I'm sitting here on a beautiful day San Francisco, looking out the window, smelling the fresh air outside, trying my hardest to appreciate it. I used to find so much joy in moments like this but right now I'm struggling to find peace. Nothing feels authentic, I'm not being drawn to anything. I'm stuck in this limbo of my own inner work. I question every decision I make and every thought I have. I'm struggling to distinguish whether my thoughts are coming from a place of truth or if I'm fabricating them as a crutch to sooth the friction of trying to live authentically in such a misaligned society. I have zero connection to my intuition because my habitual pattern of thought is overwhelmingly influenced by my past experiences. Breaking the cycle is my a challenge. My minds instinctual priorities are:
- What will other people think?
- What are other people doing, has anyone done this before?
- Will people like me more if I do this?
I get caught up in perception. It's difficult for me to have confidence in a decision before seeking approval from others or finding confirmation that someone else has made that same decision and been successful. In fact I've never even posted a blog without having someone else read it and give me their input (side note, no one will be proof-reading this one!).
I thought that this pattern of thought began to surface when I started my inner work, but in actuality that's just when I brought awareness to it. I've been identifying with this voice for the last 32 years, and I now finally have enough awareness to start questioning it. So I'm in this place where I'm fully aware of the critical/judgmental voice in my head, but have yet to develop the tools to work with it. I just get frustrated and feel lost.
I asked my therapist the other day if I'll ever be able to turn that voice off, her answer; most likely not...however; the more awareness I can bring to this voice, the more opportunities I'll have to work on how I respond to these thoughts. Eventually I will begin to diminish the amount power these thoughts have over my actions and slowly I will be able to start dismissing them with minimal struggle. Not ideal, and it sounds like a lot of work, but the alternative is to divert back to shutting out any real connection to my inner wisdom and that is not a option.
So the the new thought pattern I'm working to develop in reaction to this critical voice:
- Are you allowing someone else's opinion to impact your decision?
- Are you comparing yourself to others as a factor in making this decision?
- Does this decision align with your true intentions?
We aren't here to make money, or acquire possessions or compete for power, we all landed here to follow our own unique truth. There will be pain and suffering along the way but I have faith that peace is on the other side. I'll let you know when I find it :)
Photo by Kelly Rae Roberts