I used to think everyone had their shit together but me. I convinced myself I just wasn't born with the "has her shit together" gene. Don't get me wrong, I consider myself a responsible person. I pay my bills, I'm always on time and I never miss an appointment, but it used to feel like there was always something more I could be doing or something I could be doing better. When I had free time and I chose to sleep, watch tv or scroll social media instead of doing something productive I would instantly regret it and resent myself for it. Judging myself for not being motivated enough to meditate, or practice or plan for my future. I used to feel like I always had to be working towards a goal or accomplishing something,. I thought that when I transitioned careers into doing something I actually enjoyed that I would magically have all the energy and creativity to start working towards something big. I had envisioned this spiritual being that would be revealed as soon as I left my corporate job and instead, it was still me and me apparently wasn't good enough. So I went into complete hibernation mode. My free time was spent in bed or on the couch, reading and watching tv. All the while reinforcing my inadequacy through mental torture.
The truth is, we all feel like we could be doing more (right?). This self-depricating behavior is the root of the issue. It's counter productive and makes it impossible to have any desire to create or motivate. Sometimes, we need to trust the mind when it says it needs to shut off. It was plain and simple, I was overwhelmed, I didn't give my mind a chance to catch up with my hearts decision to uproot my career. Instead of supporting my mind and being patient, I was harassing it, ridiculing it, and every day weakening the fabric of my confused and fragile ego. While we all want to be productive and successful, we don't fully understand that it takes patience and a practice of compassion to get there in a healthy, nourishing and sustainable way.
Life can be gut wrenchingly confusing at times. From my experience, confusion is our minds way of communicating with us that we're pushing too hard. That we're attaching to outcomes, placing pressure on accomplishments and forcing something that isn't working.
As I began to let go of the self-judgement and critical thoughts around my "laziness", I felt a new sense of support: for myself - from myself. As I learned to listen to my inner wisdom, and rest when my mind needed it, my desire to rest began to arise less frequently. Allowing myself to relax without judgement slowly became the catalyst for new energy and productivity. My days began to fill up naturally with things that intuitively became the path for my future. With the release of all the pressure I was enforcing on myself, my ego could rest, and my spirt could finally start to shine through. It's pure magic when you can relax into your journey instead of forcing it.
So do I have my shit together now? Absolutely not. I've just done the work to accept the fact that I probably never will and that's just fine.